Today, not unlike a usual occurrence, I was asked to verify my zip code. It took me a moment to think and I responded. Then, this strange foggy cloud came over me.
I don’t mind change; in fact, often times I embrace it. What I don’t like…one tiny bit…is transition. It messes with my psyche, my routine, my homeostasis (I’m Type A…don’t do this to us folk!). I’m tired and off-balance. Confused and maybe a little lost. I’m telling you…transition is no picnic…it messes with you, big time.
I moved a week ago. I’m inhabiting an absolutely, fabulous apartment, in a hip and trendy, young and vibrant, community-active neighborhood, two blocks from Lake Michigan. This move was for my ever-continuing process of self-care and growth (ugh.) Simply put, I needed to get away from my nun-life. I needed a new space, a fresh start; not constant reminders of my deep aches and grief. I was semi-excited, semi-anxious, and semi-sad–I’ve lived in the same zip code for the past 13 years, until a week ago. I didn’t really make that connection until this afternoon.
So what is it about transition? Well, I can start with Captain Obvious flying into my blog: uncomfortable, inconvenient, messy, illogical reactions…do I need to keep going? No…that’s not it…there’s something more…something underneath those things…hmmm… I contemplated, I walked, I journaled, I tarot-ed (for those of you tarot fans at home: princess of cups…3rd time!), I ate chocolate…nope, nada, at least nothing to describe the connection between transition and my zip code grief.
Then my friend Parker Palmer, Let Your Life Speak, jumped off my bookshelf. This is one of those books that I received as a Junior in college, 11 years ago, and have read it several times when I am at a “what-the-hell-do-I-do-now” moment. Without fail, something new speaks to me every time. I opened the book up randomly and this is what leapt off the page:
[regarding pilgrimage] “a transformative journey to a sacred center full of hardships, darkness, and peril… challenges…
Ok…I’m listening…
…largely beyond our control, can strip the ego of the illusion that it is in charge…
Pfft…great…just great…
…and make space for the true self to emerge…
And…here’s the nugget. That damn nugget of knowledge that makes me squirm, roll my eyes, and attempt to deny the truth of it. Shucks. Thank you very much, Parker Palmer.
Not to belabor the darkness of my journey (although, in a blog that’s subtitled: real.truth.experience.joy…this is where I’m at people…this is my real, my truth, and my experience…and for God sakes, it better be leading toward JOY!)…but…this is so painfully true and speaks to me of zip code grief and transition.
As much as I was sick of sitting in my yuck pile–surrounded by things that remind me of my grief–and know I need to move on psychically, physically, emotionally, moving forward also meant moving away. I moved away from my grief, but also the things, people, relationships, commitment, etc that brought me the most joy. Changing my “space” to create space for the new to emerge. That sounds honkey-dory, but seriously people…it is not a fun, rainbows and butterflies, lets-go-sing-kumbaya kind of process. You want me to do what?? Embrace the “journey”, give up the illusion of control, and trust that this, thing, this me, will emerge? Seriously…what a ridiculous idea!
And yet…my zip code still changed. Moving away? No..moving forward…5 numbers at a time.
real.truth.experience.joy
from my inside...out 